Bartleby's Tip

"Swimming to Tripoli?!"

Bartleby laughed.

"That would be daft!

Take the giraft!"

oh-OH-oh

I finally made my great escape

from Kommissarsintown.

I now can look behind me

so i'm slowly calming down.

Neal

Meet Neal–

esophageal music lover.

He soundproofs his bathroom

with an old duvet cover,

then throat sings

like a Tuvan Louvin brother.

Election Runoff

Meet John Boehner.

Orange complainer.

Ochre speaker.

Bathtub stainer.

V.W.

Full of song

and fond of beer.

The country western gondolier.

His heart's enlarged.

His liver's failin'.

Say a prayer

for "Venice Waylon".

The Cheney Bump

"It's official!" said Dick

with an elfish grin.

"Myself, Liz and Lynne

have made our selection

and hereby announce our endorsement

of the Four Horsemen

in the next election."

"It was an easy call," added Liz,

"not much of a decision.

We do, after all,

share the same vision."

Rasputin

Those who knew Rasputin

say he appeared even more hirsute

when he wore a mohair suit.

Toeslumber

First, my foot falls asleep,

then I get "coma toes".

One by one like dominoes

that's how it goes

they have no choice.

Lucky for me, though,

they all know my voice.

I speak to them softly

and so does my wife.

Slowly but surely

they come back to life.

Now Michael Jones

Michael Palin

changed his name.

He couldn't bear

the constant shame.

A drastic step

to save his pride.

His other option–

suicide.

Detroitus

Gathering detritus in Detroit.

Before I got arthritis

I was so much more adroit

at finding all the hidden spots

abandoned streets

and vacant lots

that I would then exploit.

Gathering detritus in Detroit.

I, Casaba

My head is a melon.

My skull is the rind.

The meat of the fruit

is my beautiful mind.

The Gift

The gift from my psychiatrist

was shrink wrapped,

which is, i think, apt.

Hugh

This is my buddy from Belgium.

He lives near Bruges

on a farm.

His name is Hugh Jarm.

Salve Psalm

"The ointment of contentment, yea,

is never freely slathered.

Apply it very sparingly,"

the scary preacher blathered.

Chewy Trivia

"I recently discovered

that Alfred Lord Tennyson

ate only venison

with varicose veins.

Very gross, but hilarious",

the heiress explains.

RoveLove

Out of the blue

like a bolt from above,

strange reveries

of forbidden love

are filling Karl Rove

with alarm and unease.

Visions of Paula Zahn

and parmesan cheese.

Glenn Beck

America's favorite

uber-asexual

game-show intellectual

rat-faced hero

of the angry ineffectual.

Sowing discord

on a psych-ward chalkboard.

Falling on his talk-sword.

Screaming like a pimp.

A coprophagic imp

sallow and yellowish

like something foul

in a nursing home jello dish

on Fish Friday.

That's his promise-not-to-cry day.

Lance DaBoyle – Patriot

Teabagger Lance

is lost in a trance

while looking askance

at his big stack of food stamps.

"Commies!" he mutters.

"Them Socialist pigs!

They won't let me use 'em

fer whisky and cigs!"

Bachmann Bachmann Overdrive

This fall's hottest new trend –

The Michele Bachmann makeover.

Step one: lose your mind

in a hostile takeover

engineered by a sand flea.

Never crack a book,

you need to keep your hands free

to shake and gesticulate

like a brain-dead banshee.

David Copperfield

The magic is gone,

but the nickname remains.

We all still call him

"Schiffer Brains".

Numb Limb

Rush, as a youth,

was a slovenly nimrod.

He'd score lots of drugs

and get totally "Limbaugh'd".

Zach Elephanakis

The Knowing

If truth be told,

it gives me chills.

I know what killed

the whippoorwills

and caused them all to drop:

T'was the sight of Ann Coulter

in a halter top.

Paradementia

It is

for me

like hell

to be

compelled

to see

The Tournament of Roses.

My Permanent Neurosis.

Poem for President's Day 2005

Two Analogies

Bush's beady eyes:

Like a windowsill

with two dead flies.

Cheney's crooked smile:

Like an alligator sleeping

on a garbage pile.

Trent Lott's Old Confederate Recipe

Here's a way to fix yourself

a tasty rebel flag:

Chop it into little pieces.

Boil them in a bag.

Stars and bars are good for you,

so swallow every bite.

Have a second helping,

it's your constitutional right!

Betty C.

Who knew Betty Crocker

was such a dirty talker?

She curses like a sailor

or a loner in a trailer.

I think she was a biker chick

before she was a baker.

I'd like to buy her dinner

but there's nowhere I can take her.

Shakespeare's Quandary

William S. burrows

and furrows

his brow.

He needs to get back

to his agent.

But how?

All True!

Henry Ford adored a gourd.

Lincoln gobbled glue.

Betsy Ross was often sauced

and Robert Frost

had an awesome tattoo.

Papparazzi Poem

Celebrity shooters
in cars
and on scooters

Marauders
Annoyers
Pursuers
Intruders

Possibly
Princess
Diana
Zapruders

Not So Sure

I'm not so sure

about Tupac Shakur's

"new" CD.

A duet with Kathie Lee?

Why not Sinatra

or Oprah?

Or Tupac and Deepak Chopra

rapping about gangsta yoga?

Double Ode #7

Young Gwyneth Paltry

ever so sultry

dining on poultry

with Old Roger Daltrey.

Frattertwitter

Fraternity brothers–

those jovial bums,

have mastered the use

of opposable thumbs

to text and send pics

to disposable chums.

A Drawing

No Way!

Remember that Christian punk band –

The Chastity Canons?

Well, as it turns out,

The lead singer – Sid Virtuous

used to go to church with us!

Eddie the Nose